If you're expecting a disclaimer or censorship...Forget it ! They're Jokes !
Quotes From the 'Article':
“Comedy, Weapon of Healing” |
We have all heard this before; " Laughter is the best medicine" and it is very true, but it can also be impossible for those who are in such severe pain, that the thought of laughing is not within reach. It is for this reason that comedy is considered to be a "weapon of healing", a tool in the tool belt, and why it exists at this rung in the pain ladder. You have to be ready to laugh at your pain, at your circumstance, at your history with pain. Like anything else, you cannot fool yourself into believing you are ready, and, if you're not there yet, you're just not there yet. It's OK. Close this part of the website and, maybe, go to “blogs” and let out your feelings.
We are on the negative side of the cycle and have had to deal with many losses, and with people not believing you, and most likely, you're in “resignation.” You've accepted your fate and you feel doomed to a constant, unrelenting agony. Life is very serious.
Think back to when life was funny, to a time when you were able to laugh. Try to remember a story that happened to you or someone you know that had you rolling on the floor in laughter. When you think about that, do you notice the change? Can you feel pain's power lessen a little?
It says a lot to me, because directly after the trip was over, when being picked up by my nephew, I immediately started relaying to him all of the funny stories that happened, stories that weren't very funny at the time. It was a sign that during this 400 mile walk, I had changed.
We are on the negative side of the cycle and have had to deal with many losses, and with people not believing you, and most likely, you're in “resignation.” You've accepted your fate and you feel doomed to a constant, unrelenting agony. Life is very serious.
Think back to when life was funny, to a time when you were able to laugh. Try to remember a story that happened to you or someone you know that had you rolling on the floor in laughter. When you think about that, do you notice the change? Can you feel pain's power lessen a little?
It says a lot to me, because directly after the trip was over, when being picked up by my nephew, I immediately started relaying to him all of the funny stories that happened, stories that weren't very funny at the time. It was a sign that during this 400 mile walk, I had changed.
Unfortunately, this is what I changed to...
let's start with a real joke...
More Breakthroughs in the Truth about Opiates
(see what date this was written)
The problem of under prescription of opiates and opioids and the accompanying needless suffering for millions of patients has prompted official reaction.
In 1992 the Federal Agency for Health Care Policy and Research issued guidelines for the treatment of pain. The recommendations encourage health professionals to ..."ignore myths about addiction to pain medications and to cease groundless restrictions on the dispensing of opioid pain relievers."
The guidelines also recommend greater use of intravenous drug “pumps,” which allowed nurses or patients themselves to control the timing and dosage of the drug be taken.
Following the guidelines, the agency said, "...would not only relieve unnecessary suffering from but would speed patient's recovery and reduce hospital stays and costs. "
( WOW!! Remember the 90's, when we could think logically once all the cocaine was out of our systems?)
Reprinted from the United States Department of Health and Human Services –
National Institutes of Health.
(see what date this was written)
The problem of under prescription of opiates and opioids and the accompanying needless suffering for millions of patients has prompted official reaction.
In 1992 the Federal Agency for Health Care Policy and Research issued guidelines for the treatment of pain. The recommendations encourage health professionals to ..."ignore myths about addiction to pain medications and to cease groundless restrictions on the dispensing of opioid pain relievers."
The guidelines also recommend greater use of intravenous drug “pumps,” which allowed nurses or patients themselves to control the timing and dosage of the drug be taken.
Following the guidelines, the agency said, "...would not only relieve unnecessary suffering from but would speed patient's recovery and reduce hospital stays and costs. "
( WOW!! Remember the 90's, when we could think logically once all the cocaine was out of our systems?)
Reprinted from the United States Department of Health and Human Services –
National Institutes of Health.
14 'Cringe Lines'
TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
"Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few! "
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes
is that you know when to cringe
Life is too short and friends are too few! "
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes
is that you know when to cringe
The following is not a real treatment sheet. These are jokes. Or is it?
HEALTH : QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my life style?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
HEALTH : QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my life style?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Fodder for Think
( Is it any wonder foreigners have so much trouble learning English? )
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky round.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a carpenter fought tooth and nail.
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The New Written Language!
Speaking of foreigners learning English...
This is from an advertisemsnt for a specialty light fixture for my apartment. Can you tell this is written by someone who doesn't speak English? Can you tell what country they're from? -
“Through the ball of light projected onto the surface of the earth walls of the room. 7 could be the night sky and other stars more than stars more than 1000 galaxies appear in your living room, bedroom, study will be entirely at the night sky bright your home in show. Amazing Projector Lights is not only to the astronomical popularity of your child and enhance the capacity of science, But also to your life to create a romantic surprise. This Romantic Projector Lamp is a new popular cosmos Star Projector lamp There will be different colorful space, find the constellation that you belong to it! This Star Projector Lights Lamp can help you put the universe back home, give you a piece of the sky changes color, without need for hard to find the field, rotating its base. Not only that, but can also regulate the seasons, so that the unique constellation of different seasons occur at home in the sky! Romantic Projector Lights is not only give your child universal Astronomical Science and enhance the capacity of good assistants hands, but also give you the couple to create a romantic surprise !the use of battery: 2x(AA) batteries (not including).”
BTW:
- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.